Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
You Might Also Like
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.