I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015