The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
only 11 steps left
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.