“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?