Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
God, I love Scotland
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.