me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Smooooooth
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?