[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
You Might Also Like
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*