Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.