Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.