He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS