Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
This is sending me to another galaxy
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first