*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
when u come home smelling like another dog
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary