I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
wow
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*