When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever