[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
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Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”