Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
San Francisco has too many rules
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”