We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
You Might Also Like
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that