I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I wish I could veto my bills.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*