me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Happy Star Wars day!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .