It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Best spoiler warning ever
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”