The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
You Might Also Like
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
This anagram machine is out of order.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there