Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I enjoy a good short stor
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body