Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol