“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.