I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My plans: 2020:
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
The French word for sex is croissant.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*