omg leave her alone
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Krampus.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
are there any atheist mantises?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens