I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
You Might Also Like
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me driving through Toronto
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles