Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
tourist season
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.