sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Nice try Hitler
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”