Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
All set.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)