My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
i made a craigslist ad !
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers