Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends