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Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.