Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security