My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity