Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
🌱🌱🌱
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.