I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
A great tip. #CakeRex
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Succinctly put.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together