What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
A couple who are silly together stay together.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Webb. James Webb.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.