She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Pringles
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations