Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.