hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I see your IQ test came back negative
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this