One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?