Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
The only equipped I am is ill.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.