*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
You Might Also Like
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
some cats are just doing for fun!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
“I’m helping” 😅
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
A classic…
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
X-tra spooky blend
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Kermit goes Blue.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.