In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap