Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
☠️☠️☠️
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Meanwhile in Portland…
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great