People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.