Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*