My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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mariah carrie
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
the best thing i’ve ever made
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…