Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.